Monthly Archives: April 2012

April 28, 2012 · 11:23 am

Purse Your Lips, It is your Birthday, BFF!


L-R: Chris and me

Today,  my best friend, Chris ,  celebrates his birthday. Like most people in their 30′s,  I think birthdays become more of an annoying reminder that time is marching on and that there are these nagging desires and dreams still wanting in life.

I have thought of many ways to honor him today.  Perhaps he would love it if I would just stop flapping my jaws.  Unfortunately, that will not happen.  However, I reflected on what I know about this guy who has become more like a brother to me and who knows me deeper than most people.

Chris and I met, I think, under circumstances that I believe were fortuitous.  Our lives were under transition.  I was on the verge of a relationship break up.  Having Chris there was life saving.    He helped me through the heartbreak and forged our friendship deeply.

We have had adventure over adventure.  Through it all,  I have learned this about my friend , this man.

Yes, in the gay world, Chris gets a lot of attention and has no trouble getting “dates” or “guys.”  Sometimes that can prove to be challenging to him because there is so much more depth to my best friend.  He is one of the most intelligent and intuitive people I know.  His perception of people is almost always dead on.  He also understands more than he lets on at times.  Never let that “baseball cap , next door boy persona” fool you.  My red headed buddy is a thinker.

Chris is one of the most caring people I know. He loves his family.  He is a devoted son.  I have seen him do things for his dearest friends.  I have countless messages from him simply checking up on me.   He has helped me on numerous occasions in many things without fanfare.

Chris loves the gay life and all its social perks.   We are often out and about in it.  He loves Latin men.  He has a dated a lot of them. Quite frankly, they have flocked to him. However, despite what anyone might think and despite what might be said about him, he really wants and desires a strong relationship with one person. I know that is where he wants to be and truly where his deepest values lie.

He is a hard worker.  He is a manager at his job and is excellent at it. He takes pride at what he delivers in service.  I have seen him at work and his attention to detail is fun to watch.  He has been recognized for his achievements there.

Chris loves to joke around and tease.  He wears his emotion on his sleeve at times.  He loves simple things like drinking beer with friends.  He is a happy guy spending a night at Este Noche,  Pan Dulce, Club 21 or our favorite starting point, Toad Hall.

He loves his Mustang. He loves Starbucks.

He hates hypocrisy, pretense,  and boring people.

His best times are when he breaks out in uncontrollable laughter.

Happy Birthday, bff, Pippi, Shirl.  Purse your lips, another great year is ahead!

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April 24, 2012 · 2:58 pm

Putting a Giant Smile on my Life


I walked out of my house this morning weighed down by thoughts of things about work and life.  Nothing so heavy to leave me immobile, but enough to color my vision of the day and put a certain melancholy to my heart.  Thoughts became disjointed and I was not feeling particularly optimistic. It is really not a pleasant state of mind to be in and can be the dismal backdrop of your whole day’s experience.

It is funny that it is on days like this that I really need to reach out and talk to friends and for some reason I retreat from them.  I think it is because it is hard for me to articulate what I am feeling. I know that I am facing, partly, some residual from failed relationship attempts,  career rethinking and also this desire I have to live in as much authentic and genuine space as possible.

The social life has been fun but where I reside in my heart and my mind is some place more meaningful and authentic.  When things are on a roll that are not congruent with that, it wears on me.  I can feel it.

So,  one off my Facebook friends send me a sweet reminder “To put a giant smile on my life.”   I don’t think when he sent it that he realized the effect it would have on me.  It immediately pulled me out of my stupor.  I smiled.  It caused tears to flow.   I found clarity.  I knew that I was simply on  my journey and that I was simply needing to re-calibrate. This was just a rough patch.

I thanked my friend for his thoughtfulness .  He reached across even though he lived another city.  It warmed my heart.

He later posted the link to this music video below.  Sometimes one needs to be lost to the moments and the joys of life.  It means leaving all the garbage that weighs us down and get in tune with the rhythm of the present.  That freeing allows us to  truly unburden and to really live life in purity.

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April 23, 2012 · 4:10 pm

The Longing and the Love


“JP, be true to yourself.”

I have let that mentoring admonishment guide me from those whose friendship and advice I have valued. It has also come from the Jiminy Cricket voice inside me which has sometimes help to navigate me through difficult decisions, especially those of the heart.  Where the pain of the decision needed a leap of faith and the strength of the conviction behind that statement needed to be cemented.

It is sometimes a lonely position to take because it means removing yourself from a place where you have had companionship and even love, or some semblance of it.  It could have all deteriorated, but you were used to it.  Weaning yourself away is sometimes hard, and yes, lonely.  You eventually find out it was the best thing to do.  It is not always pleasant but life wasn’t constructed to be all sweet.  Darn it, right?

Sometimes the “aloneness” comes in waves.  It can be at its heaviest even when you are surrounded by friends. I guess it is normal to feel this from time to time.

I have had my share of dates and liaisons.  However, I know at my core,  I do my best when I am involved in a meaningful relationship. I can only operate on a superficial level of existence for a certain period time and then I feel myself turning inward,  and becoming  less likely to reach out to someone in a meaningful way.  I have to work hard not do have that happen.

There were a couple of recent relationships that looked promising and  could have become serious. However,  due to some things,  they just didn’t.

In the meanwhile ,  I am trying to focus on my own self development and my career.  So when the loneliness seeps into my consciousness , more importantly, the longing for that which is more significant,  my heart will remain open.

The Longing and the Love

by : JP Leddy

Flesh does not fill the hunger of my heart

With its temporary, orgasmic, convulsive pleasure

Leaving only sweaty sheets emptied before dawn’s rays

No eyes of love  linger deeply  reflecting  

Two lives shared , earned day after day, year after year

Each touch conveying  amore and adoration  

More than love ,  beyond life itself

My longing for that love I once knew 

To find new in another, echoes in my aloneness

Where my heart truly lives and where flesh simply burns

Unless true love flames up pure and high

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April 17, 2012 · 1:43 pm

Tax Deadline, Beer and Pool


The tax deadline means my office ( accounting -www.cforick.com)  goes from overdrive to a more normal setting. As the only non-accountant in the firm, it will be welcomed.  My fellow workers will return to an almost human state.  I say almost, because  seriously, most accountants seem like they are from another planet.  Can you tell I am the Sales Manager?

What it also means is that I need to figure a better strategy so I am not paying so much taxes this year.  Ouch! Winning the lottery would be one alternative, but I think that would not be a sound plan.  I am not that lucky with that type of thing.  However, with slot machines it is a different story. I win most of the time. I am not even a gambler.

So money is on my mind. I am sure it is on everyone’s mind.  I always want to make more of it but managing it better with real strategy is my real goal.  There are many ways to do this and this year I feel my plan will get me there. Of course, I have built in expertise within my company.  Investing wisely and cost efficiencies are important.

Ok, that is all I am going to write about money.

Today,  a friend and I went out to lunch.  We talked about many things and we stop by a store or two.   Shopping! I couldn’t do it but it made me think of  clothes. I love them.  However, It has been a while since I went shopping for them.

I started thinking of some style changes that I would like to do.  Okay, some of it was influenced by way the men were dressed at the sushi place we ate at near Chinatown.  Mostly, I did not want to look like them.

Traveling.  I love it .  I can’t afford the big trips now but I am looking forward to the little ones here in the bay area.  I mean from wine country to beaches by a boardwalk.  The Bay area is full of interesting places and I want to see more  of it.

Wine.  Too bad it is not a beverage in the office like coffee is.   Just saying.

Now we are going to celebrate the end of tax season, as an office, at Jillian’s Billiards Club.  We will play some pool.  Yes, there will be beer.  Okay, it is not wine but there is going to be a buzz in the air …and in our heads.

Pear Cider beer. A British friend turned me on to it.  I like it.  I don’t like most beers. I always like asking for Cider at the bar now.  That is when I am not drinking Vodka Tonic, of course.

Cider? Is it Christmas yet?   Oh, I forgot, the tax deadline is today.  No Christmas in that.

I am done.

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April 10, 2012 · 5:36 pm

Love to Live


I saw that phrase ” Love to Live” in a Maya Angelou poem.  It stuck in my head and somehow has lingered and attracted other thoughts that have awakened my being.  I know that what gets me up in the morning and what gets me through the tears and the laughter is that I love to live.  It is not only an a-ha moment it is one of those foundation blocks of my existence.

Isn’t the wonderful thing about the ability to take every breath that we do, composed of  moments when we have what brings some real meaning to our lives.  I say moments because it literally is not the duration of time that they happen but the impact.

It could be simply a walk in the park where you are swept up by nature and enjoying the sunlight warming your flesh.  It could be a connection that you feel with someone that you may be in the throes of passion with that goes beyond the physical sex.  It may be the pure joy of accomplishing some project at work where you were involved in something you enjoyed.

These best in  life moments are the reservoirs that hold us up when we are burdened with the things and events that are not pleasant, difficult, and heart wrenching.  To me, to love to live, is to also know that there is pain along the way, but that it passes and that joy is around the corner.

This whole idea of being present in the moment is a key when you love to live.  You are fully aware of what makes you love to live. It takes the numbness of the mundane away. Life becomes welcomed as a wonderful gift  every day we open our eyes to the new day sun.

To love to live also recognizes our value and worthiness to exist on this planet.

This opens our understanding that everyone has that birth right.  Armed with that knowledge , to love to live we must love each other.

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April 9, 2012 · 4:12 pm

Boyce Avenue and the Music of My Life


Sometimes a song that you have heard once before sounds new again , especially when sung by a great artist. That is why I love Boyce Avenue. Their original music and their covers of some of today’s most popular songs are so pure they reach down into my soul and the music moves into my life and becomes my soundtrack.

They were introduced to me by someone special who came into my life briefly and who took my breath away. How appropriate. He loved to sing and their music as an added dimension of meaning to me.

Also , the emotional rhythms that I have been going through these past few days leading up to and including to Easter, has found me using music to move through my feelings and to somehow keep my sanity intact through some things which had tugged at my heart.

The songs are like a needed embrace that comfort my soul and hold me together when the tears come and they keep my heartbeats at bay when the smiles go into overdrive.

I love music.  I love Boyce Avenue.

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April 7, 2012 · 11:25 am

My Roman Holiday This Easter


Sometimes on the journey to find that love of your life, you meet an individual that you have a short , but passionate fling that makes a mark on your life. It is your Roman Holiday.  For me it was my Easter Holiday.  Full of possibilities but short lived because of the impossibilities, mostly time and distance.

Living in an international city like San Francisco, you meet a lot of people from many places.  One in a while you meet someone that is more than a one night stand but takes your breath away and makes your heart skip a beat or two with some real connection.

He was from Boston.  He was vacationing. He loved Karaoke.

Handsome.  Self-assured.  He definitely had that Eastern directness but also a heart of gold.   He loved San Francisco and especially loved the Mint where there is Karaoke every night.  That is where we went and hung out.  I loved to watch and hear him sing. He was especially good at singing “Heartbreaker” and “I Love Rock and Roll.”

He loved his Martini’s.

We held hands, kissed and our nights were spent together more like lovers and less like strangers.

A perfect movie script fitting all those songs written about the heart.

Yet, reality sinks in and he leaves on Easter Sunday.  I may see him one more time.  However, I have already said goodbye.  Such flings, I believed are to be cherished.  I am glad that it happened.  Yes, I wished it could be something more but I know that won’t be the case.

I just know that my heart is open to find the love of my life.

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April 6, 2012 · 4:39 pm

Ana Mae Coxxx – A Legacy Ends


Ana Mae Coxxx

I have written about San Francisco, Drag Performer , Ana Mae Coxxx, a few times in the past couple of years that I have known her. I have known the man behind the mask and the make up also, Matt Smith.   Yes,  we have one of the most prolific performers that has ever been on the San Francisco stage, but I would like to write from a more personal point of view.  Why this post? Well, Matt has decided that Ana Mae Coxxx is retiring on April 8th.

I have not really pressed for the reason.  I just know that for him, it is time.  So this Sunday at the Glamazon show at The Cafe on Market in the Castro, Ana Mae Coxxx does her last numbers and goes into the annals of drag history.

There is some poignancy to me.  Truth be known, I am not one of the biggest drag fans or really understand all its intricacies. I have a healthy respect for the genre. I have more respect for this segment of the gay community and the tremendous good they have done for many charities and causes.  They have often been the forefront of gay rights and causes.  They have more balls then the most butch guys out there.

I met Ana Mae Coxxx right about the time I just ended an 11 year relationship with the love of my life.  I was still at that lost and still hurt stage. Somehow Ana Mae understood that and empathize with that in my life.  I was exposed to her performances and found them to be outstanding and moving. She even lip synced to some of my favorite songs. I blogged about her songs and soon became  one of the people that documented her performances.

Through her I was introduced to a whole new family of friends. Literally, she inducted me into her Haus of Coxxx.  I was given the name “Sweet Coxxx” ( I am sure she regrets that sometimes).  Some of my dearest friends have come through that Haus.   The adventures and experiences that I have had in the past two years have come through the world she opened up to me.   Those have been some of the best times of my life.

Ana Mae Coxxx  has her own opinions and expresses them.  Consequently,  controversy follows her as it does with people like her who are public and vocal.  However, I know the heart of this person.  There is always good intent.  In those quiet moments with her closest friends, you really see just a human trying to do their best in this world.

Ana Mae Coxxx may be going away.  My memories are not.  I am also thankful that my friendship with Matt remains.  I am forever grateful that at my darkest moment he extended his hand and let me know that things will get better.  That life will go on.

Matt, it has and it did.

I will miss the performances , the glamour and of course the attitude ( I think Matt will still have that!).

So Ana Mae Coxxx may be ending, but life goes on, and better things are ahead.

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April 3, 2012 · 6:11 pm

Chemistry Is Just There


Chemistry is everything.  You know it when you feel it.  It goes beyond physical.  It is magnetic force that brings you back to that person.  I can count on my hands how many times that has happened in my life.

There is nothing forced about it.  It flows between the two of you powerfully.  You are bonded almost instantly even in small ways, by a glance or even a touch. You may not really recognize it or even be conscious of it.  However, you miss and yearn for it when you are not around it.

If it is nurtured, it becomes the basis for true love forming.  It does have to be nurtured and honored.  Like a living thing, if it is neglected, it can be choked by the thorns of apathy and the arid ground of emotional distance.

I am reminded by this truth today.  I cannot hope to create chemistry with someone. It simply exists.   I know this by experience.  It is the sweetest thing in the world and you cannot get enough of it.

Thank you inspiration for coming into my open heart today.

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