Category Archives: Gay Love

January 7, 2013 · 2:00 pm

I Am Finally Open To My Life


Photo by Journalweek.com

Photo by Journalweek.com

There are certain events that transpire that finally open your eyes and you finally let go of the few strands of what was once something in your life and heart. For the very first time you feel free to really move on.

What surprises me is that I thought I had already moved on.  For the most part, I did,  but I guess when  you break up an eleven year relationship with the love of your life, the residual emotions take time to completely leave your body. That was a little over two years ago.  Some small emotional threads remained.  Some hurts still were buried deep. They were the reasons why in some cases I felt stuck.  I just could not move on completely.

That all changed at the end of 2012.  Those threads were ripped from me. Powerfully. It took an horrific event to do it.  It was painful. It brought forth a watershed I had not experienced in many months.  It was cleansing. The remaining shackles in my heart were unlocked.  I found me because I faced me with no filters.

I had dated and tried to maintain a couple of relationships since my break up  but I have not been successful. I was not ready and also because they were not right for me.  When your heart is not in the right place, you do not attract the right people.  They can be good people but they are not right ones  for your authentic self. You have to be your authentic self  and be completely available.

I shared all this with one of my dearest friends a couple of days ago and he knew that I needed to come to this conclusion and saw my struggle over these past couple of years.  It has been evolving over the last six months.

I see myself letting go of some things and rediscovering other things of my life that I want to do.

I also am going to  strive to meet individuals to date, get to know and perhaps find someone to have a relationship again with…I am open to it.  Now, I really believe it and want to do it.

I also  will be participating in more diverse activities in my life and have new experiences.

It is time to move on, to really move on, and leave the past behind, and live my life.

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July 15, 2012 · 11:15 pm

Weekend Lost In You


Weekend Lost In You

By: JP Leddy

Wrapped in my arms my , my lips feasted on yours

Warmth of our bodies welcomed the morning sun

Weekend  waxed into one long , happy day

Eyes meeting  and passion igniting  us

Consumed by the taste and touch of each other

Cares and worries flew , while the joy of you remained

To the world I may have been missing 

I was in a weekend lost in you 

And I was  not wanting to be found 

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May 22, 2012 · 4:28 pm

Until The Last Breath is Breathed


I wrote a poem called until  ”Until The Last Breath is Breathed”  I just put it into a video slide show. Hope you enjoy.

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April 23, 2012 · 4:10 pm

The Longing and the Love


“JP, be true to yourself.”

I have let that mentoring admonishment guide me from those whose friendship and advice I have valued. It has also come from the Jiminy Cricket voice inside me which has sometimes help to navigate me through difficult decisions, especially those of the heart.  Where the pain of the decision needed a leap of faith and the strength of the conviction behind that statement needed to be cemented.

It is sometimes a lonely position to take because it means removing yourself from a place where you have had companionship and even love, or some semblance of it.  It could have all deteriorated, but you were used to it.  Weaning yourself away is sometimes hard, and yes, lonely.  You eventually find out it was the best thing to do.  It is not always pleasant but life wasn’t constructed to be all sweet.  Darn it, right?

Sometimes the “aloneness” comes in waves.  It can be at its heaviest even when you are surrounded by friends. I guess it is normal to feel this from time to time.

I have had my share of dates and liaisons.  However, I know at my core,  I do my best when I am involved in a meaningful relationship. I can only operate on a superficial level of existence for a certain period time and then I feel myself turning inward,  and becoming  less likely to reach out to someone in a meaningful way.  I have to work hard not do have that happen.

There were a couple of recent relationships that looked promising and  could have become serious. However,  due to some things,  they just didn’t.

In the meanwhile ,  I am trying to focus on my own self development and my career.  So when the loneliness seeps into my consciousness , more importantly, the longing for that which is more significant,  my heart will remain open.

The Longing and the Love

by : JP Leddy

Flesh does not fill the hunger of my heart

With its temporary, orgasmic, convulsive pleasure

Leaving only sweaty sheets emptied before dawn’s rays

No eyes of love  linger deeply  reflecting  

Two lives shared , earned day after day, year after year

Each touch conveying  amore and adoration  

More than love ,  beyond life itself

My longing for that love I once knew 

To find new in another, echoes in my aloneness

Where my heart truly lives and where flesh simply burns

Unless true love flames up pure and high

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April 7, 2012 · 11:25 am

My Roman Holiday This Easter


Sometimes on the journey to find that love of your life, you meet an individual that you have a short , but passionate fling that makes a mark on your life. It is your Roman Holiday.  For me it was my Easter Holiday.  Full of possibilities but short lived because of the impossibilities, mostly time and distance.

Living in an international city like San Francisco, you meet a lot of people from many places.  One in a while you meet someone that is more than a one night stand but takes your breath away and makes your heart skip a beat or two with some real connection.

He was from Boston.  He was vacationing. He loved Karaoke.

Handsome.  Self-assured.  He definitely had that Eastern directness but also a heart of gold.   He loved San Francisco and especially loved the Mint where there is Karaoke every night.  That is where we went and hung out.  I loved to watch and hear him sing. He was especially good at singing “Heartbreaker” and “I Love Rock and Roll.”

He loved his Martini’s.

We held hands, kissed and our nights were spent together more like lovers and less like strangers.

A perfect movie script fitting all those songs written about the heart.

Yet, reality sinks in and he leaves on Easter Sunday.  I may see him one more time.  However, I have already said goodbye.  Such flings, I believed are to be cherished.  I am glad that it happened.  Yes, I wished it could be something more but I know that won’t be the case.

I just know that my heart is open to find the love of my life.

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March 28, 2012 · 4:59 pm

Receiving Love


Last night I went to a workshop conducted by one of my dear friends, Soniyah Singh, of Finding Bliss ( www. finding-bliss.com).  She is a matchmaker for gay men.  I actually attended more out of obligation to her as a friend and not really with the intent of getting anything out of it. I was not going with a listening heart to say the least. I went to support her with my physical presence but not with my open heart .

I am not sure if cynical is the word I want to use, but lately, I have not had the best of luck with having a steady dating relationship.  I was just not in the mood in a word.   However, there were familiar faces so that gave me some strength.

It was the third workshop in the series and it was the only one I attended. It focused on maintaining relationships.  Soniyah took us through exercises like recognizing our love language.  This means recognizing how we perceive receiving love and how others do it too. Sometimes how we do it does not mean our partner uses those same things. For example, for some people they perceive love when they get a lot of  affection and touch from others.  Others prefer praise and verbal affirmation.  Others need more quality time. Others prefer gifts as an indication of love.

The majority of break ups statistically happen because couples slowly stop appreciating each other and not showing that appreciation for each other regularly.  That is when emotional distance comes in and couples drift.

There was discussion on how to handle conflict, spend time together, and other topics that were really thought provoking. Even though the topics were centered on maintaining relationships, the theme of living in your truth resonated with me.

I believe that if one is searching for a partner , boyfriend or spouse, it is integral that you stay true to who you are yourself. Sure you may have to compromise some of the little things in order for the two of you to blend into a relationship where there is a union, but you do not lose yourself in it.

There are certain things that are very important to who I am and what makes me who I am.  I think that we have to come into a potential relationship with our eyes wide open following our already open heart,  really making sure that the relationship simply enhances who we are or brings out the best in us.  We also have this love for the other person and our desire is to help them in their path to happiness.  It is a journey you go on together.

So I left the workshop, thinking I am glad Soniyah forced me to come.  It gave me some answers I needed.

Thank goodness for my DVR, though. I was able to record my favorite TV shows and still watch them  :-P

Oh Amore!

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March 1, 2012 · 11:17 am

Perfect Cadence


Sometimes a person comes into your life temporarily where the passion is high and the connection is much more than a sexual tryst.  The moments together flow with perfect cadence that you get lost in each other.  Those moments move slowly with each touch, each kiss and each passionate embrace, moving deeply in your soul.  There is perfect vulnerability and transparency.

Talking came easily as the listening ,  as if from years of knowing each other and not simply one day.  Kisses were tender and yet filled with the hunger of never parting.

We did.  We parted.

He left on an airplane back somewhere back  to the mid west.

It has been days since I have been with him and he is fresh on my mind and heart.  Now he will live on as a memory that I will retrieve once in a while when I am wistful for what could have been if distance and paths were not so separate.

I shed a few tears.  Perhaps there will be another.

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January 30, 2012 · 4:18 pm

Fill Me


Fill Me

By: JP Leddy

Smiles and words touch me 

As they drift in and out of my heart

From many who woo me for minutes 

Or for hours for flesh and for warmth

Aware I am of these liaisons as I enjoy

Them for simply what they be to me

Moments to remove the aloneness 

To have connection and human centeredness

My heart still searches for a glimpse of him

That one that will take it and fill me with

Life, love and his being  and his smiles

His warmth will be my joy for all days

Until my breath gives way and my spirit 

Is freed to the universe forever more

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January 24, 2012 · 2:06 pm

You Can’t Put A Ring On It


I was thinking how that  saying “taking things one step at a time” is even more important to me now.   I have found that anytime I feel rushed in anything I am involved in , whether it be my business or personal life,  I revolt in some way. It may be silent and it may smolder for a while , but it eventually reveals itself.

I have learned and I am continuing to  learn to be more forthcoming and less accommodating in this area, because it is such a core part of relationship building and honesty.  In my personal life, I have been in a couple of long term significant relationships, so it is not reasonable to note that I will not jump into another one quite so easily.  There is something about time and the connecting of moments and experiences that eventually develop into a mature and loving relationship.

I have found that it truly takes my heart time to progress from the euphoria for early attraction and romantic love  to the fuller and passionate love that lasts longer.  You can’t put a ring on it until the heart is filled.

Perhaps it is life’s experiences that has be the tutor to my heart in all this or simply my personality.   It is more likely a combination of both.   I just know that I am at a better place internally than I ever have been before.  I also know that I can be patient for a love to to be found and to grow to where it needs to be where a life long relationship is possible.

I also know that with the right person love happens and grows. Then there is commitment  and to me, the kind of happiness I know I want.

In the meanwhile, I am enjoying the journey.

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November 29, 2011 · 10:23 am

It is Magical and I Believe


In a couple of hours, Lee and I will be leaving the Anabella Hotel here in Anaheim after our week long holiday enjoying Thanksgiving and the start of the festive season at Disneyland.  I finally understood why this place is called the Magic Kingdom.

First of all, Disneyland is Christmas personified from the time you enter with music and decor that extends from Main Street to Paradise Pier at California Adventure.  Snow falls  over the magic kingdom twice a night punctuated with a fireworks display asking you simply to “Believe.”

In this world, where we have for a few years, been weighed down by some of the worst economic, natural catastrophe and international events , this place has reminded me that the things that matter the most, our families, our loved ones, and ourselves still offer the best sources of peace and happiness.

My daughter, Annette, joined us for a couple of days.  It brought back memories of when she and my other children were here before and had one of our best times together.  I had one of those moments looking as snow fell into her face that a resolution came over to me that I wanted more experiences like that with my children.  Nothing replaces those bonds.

Lee came into my life this year.  Never would I have believe that love would come into my life again and with such a wonderful man.  We also celebrated his birthday.  He is unlike anyone I ever imagined but is all I ever wanted in someone I love.  Yes, I am totally in love with this man.  He is handsome as well as kind.  His heart is larger than both of us.  I am happy.  The spirit of believing is back in my life because of him.

The Christmas holiday season is my favorite time of year.  This year surpasses all expectations.  It has started out in my favorite place in the world.  I am in love. It is magical and I believe.

I really do.  Fairy dust and all.

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