I did not know how pivotal this weekend was going to be for me. Yes, it was Easter weekend and on the surface I was out with friends and partying with them. In fact, I have been in an over partying drive for a few months now and it has simply accelerated as my personal life imploded.
Beneath the veneer of all this superficiality, I finally came to some centeredness this weekend. I am not completely there but I reached up another step in the ladder of clarity. I stopped blaming myself.
In fact, I really stopped blaming anyone. Relationships end or change for so many reasons and one cannot be sucked down in that swirling pool of despair in that drain of self pity. That is what these weekends for me have been, trying to numb those feelings. Well, I have had enough.
I also realized that I am a wonderful person who has a lot to contribute to someone in a relationship. If that opportunity will ever come along again, that person will be damn lucky. I know that sounds somewhat ballsy, and I may not be the most good looking or the most brilliant person out there, but after seeing what is swimming out there in the pond, I know that I am a catch for the right person. It has taken me a long time to be able to to say that about myself.
I grew up under a father who was verbally and physically abusive during my younger years. He would rant in his drunken stupor that I was nothing, that I was worth nothing and say many vile things and beat me. You can imagine what that did to a son and a young boy. It took me years to reconcile with and forgive my father. Then growing up as a young ( and closeted gay boy), I was picked on by my peers for years like many of us were, so it was a double whammy from home and at school.
Like others I have fought these negative messages, even within the LGBT community, but finally, I really know myself now. I love me.
Recently it has taken a bruising because as my relationship ended, I tend to internalize things and all those self esteem fears resurfaced. So my tendency is to sell my self short to others.
Well, enough of that! I was so grateful that I contacted my dear friend, Bryan in Baltimore, over the weekend by phone, who gave me his listening ear. I really needed someone to talk to during this huge “aha” moment in my life.. There was no one here emotionally available to me to talk to and I tried to reach out to a couple of people but no one picked up on my clues. When I tried to reach out, some seem to dismiss it. I felt invisible. You have to understand it is hard to share my heart and be vulnerable so terseness or disinterest from anyone closes me up shut. I will never open up again to those people about those parts of my life.
Again, no blame. It was one of those weekends.
However, Bryan was there. He used to live in the Bay area and he always could pick up on when I needed a listening ear and he would listen to me. He said the right things I needed to hear and it set me on the right course. I miss him.
I also realized in this artificial world of bar hopping and nightclubbing finding serious or even real dating relationships is probably difficult. I am not ready to jump into anything serious soon but I am looking forward to healthier types of associations. So that door is open.
The great thing about this Easter weekend was that I was able to share some time with amazing friends that help me in different ways and who at the end of the day are truly there for me.
So Easter really was a new beginning for me and also it was a new realization of what I really want and who I really am.