Stumbling Out Of Stupor


Sometimes Saturday mornings become a sanctuary of revelation to me for my life.  It gives me opportunity to look at events of the past week of my life while meditating in the quietness of my home.  The capsules of truth come to light like those moments of reading scripture or words of inspiration.

The momentum of the evolution of growth since the change in my long term relationship continues to be an exercise in stumbling out of stupor.  I am amazed that I have made some giant steps but also still deal with the occasional emotional residue of  crumbs left behind.  I guess it is a process.

Last night out in the Castro was a perfect synopsis of  the changing dynamics of my life, perhaps not  in the outer sense but the internal sense.  I found myself really studying and thinking about each of my interactions with my friends and new acquaintances.  I love my friends dearly but I also clearly saw how my relationships with each of them is different.

In doing this exercise it really allows me to appreciate them and also set my expectations realistically of the parameters and depth of each of these friendships.

I also was faced with numerous scenarios of a personal kind, as you can imagine being a gay man in the Castro,  but I felt a lot more grounded.  It was if I was able to put in new filters and see the whole scene for what it is and really what my whole reasoning was for being in it.

I also have dealing with something of the heart recently and I  have put that into perspective.  I hope for something there but I cannot force it but let it grow if it was meant to be.  I just can’t let the desire for it emotionally take me away from being present in my life here.

I also know who I am.  I really do know what I want in life and the kind of life and relationship I want.   To tell you the truth,  most of what I see out there does not fit me.   I have been trying to get it to fit and of course it has not been working.  I laugh out loud thinking how ludicrous for me to even try!

I am so beyond the games and the craziness of all of it.  Last night was fun but it was also a reminder,  that Oz ( my nickname for the Castro) may not always be the place for me to find the authentic kind of experience I want.

I feel such strength today and such a good sense of self.  I am fortunate to have the friends that I have  and I look forward to finding someone more significant.

In the meantime,   the fog has lifted.

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