I am understanding more what “aha” moments are all about.  I experienced some major shifts this past weekend.  I believe this tectonic movement in my perspective came along with my own career change which is happening right now.  Being in the job market while still being involved in a lot of work is an interesting place. There is not a lot of money but my career search is even more acute not only for the obvious financial reasons, but also for my own need for purpose and satisfaction in what I contribute with my work.

Things are moving and the anxiousness I feel is really that I want to arrive there and get going immediately.  I have a feeling that this phase will also be more about the journey to get there.  My mind, ears and heart are open.

However, the shift has been in my personal life.  Ever since the break up of my long term partner over two years ago, I have always felt the need that I should be focused on simply finding another partner.  That was the thing to do.  I mean my relationships were with a wife before I came out and then with a male partner for many years.

Singledom is something that I had to get used to and in many ways I took it on with gusto!  However, it has always been this constant tug between finding love and enjoying more carefree dalliances.  There was always something unsettling , like I needed to be one or the other.  To find the one has always been front in center on my mind that I felt almost burdened by the search.  It was something I measured myself emotionally against and it was simply draining on me because no relationship I have had since my break up has been sustainable for a long time.

One of my dear friends threw out a question to me about my relationships this last weekend and it shifted my whole way of thinking.  It was not so much what he said but the direction in thought  that it caused me to go in self-reflection.  My answers to my questions came clearer to me than ever before.

With the “Aha” moment, I let the  idea of finding a boyfriend or husband go.  I don’t mean that I am not open to it. I am.

However, the burden and weight of having it constantly on my mind and being part of my social direction is gone.  I simply will focus on my personal goals.  I will really focus and  enjoy meeting the men I do , the moments we share, whatever level of relationship we have together. If it goes somewhere it does, if it does  not, life is still good.  I am still okay.  I can still have joy.

I cannot explain what this has done to my perspective. I feel so much more light in my emotional outlook.  I feel this new era of my life is actually exciting and more out of the box than any place I have ever been, and the best part of it , is that I welcome it.

So with life changes, there may come an “Aha” moment that  causes a life shift.   Mine is happening now.

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