Yes, Boys and Girls, It is time to sit down for another holiday tale in a kind of a Rankin/Bass style. Huddle around the the fireplace while we still have a roof over our heads. The bank has not foreclosed on us yet. Just sip on your hot chocolate…
So our story begins…
It was a not so cool wintery day in the North Pole. Global warming was eating away at the real estate and the elves were looking more tan than usual. However, Christmas spirits were high, as all in the North Pole were eagerly looking over the list of orders of toys for Christmas. The elves were singing and dancing. The reindeer were enjoying reindeer games, including the most famous reindeer of all – Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
The holly and tinsel sparkled throughout while the the whole North Pole glistened with a glow that could be seen for miles around. It was beautiful.
Hermey, who was now a dentist, was announcing over a big megaphone that Santa was calling everyone to the great Hall for an important announcement. The chatter rose to a fever pitch. The anticipated excitement of Santa’s announcement was adding to the joyous celebrations.
When everyone was gathered in the great historic hall, Santa stood up in front of the crowd looking very somber.
He said, “My dear friends, due to some heavy mortgage loan investments that the Bank of the North Pole, undertook and the recent downturn in the market, we have suffered severe financial losses. This required us to accept a bail out from the government of the Island of Misfit Toys. As part of terms of the bail out and in order to recover from the losses, it requires us to institute a workforce reduction.”
“What did Santa say? ” asked, the official Christmas Tree Topper, the Abominable Snowman. Rudolph answered, ” I think Santa is laying off some of us from our jobs!”
Santa continued, ” Official notices will be distributed tomorrow to those affected by the reduction in work force with severance information. Yukon Cornelius, HR Specialist, will also provide career outplacement service information.
Santa then took Mrs Claus’s hand and exited through the left side of the stage leaving a very stunned crowd. A silence settled over the North Pole like never before in its history that night.
The next morning came and everyone nervously went to their places of work. There were no songs of joy, just nervous faces. There were no reindeer games. Even Rudolph’s nose was glowing a dull red.
Then the letters came. Candy Canes were stamped on the front of the envelopes and were delivered one by one to certain individuals. Frost-Bite, the Elf who ran the toy truck paint shop got a letter. Snow-eee the Elfette over at Doll Fashions got the axe. The Abominable Snowman got a letter. And one by one the same scene kept getting repeated. Then came the big surprise!
Santa entered the reindeer playgrounds with a letter. He passed Donder, and Blizten and Comet and Cupid. He passed Dancer and Prancer and he even passed Dasher and Vixen. He ended up in front of the the most famous reindeer of them all and said:
“Rudolph with your nose so bright, I have to lay you off because the budget is too tight.”
He then gave Rudolph the letter and walked back into his home.
Charisse, Rudolph’s wife was working as a Dental Assistant to Hermey, cried when she heard the news. Then she filed for divorce.
Rudolph was heartbroken. So on a foggy Christmas Eve night, Rudolph, the Abominable Snowman, and a rag tag group of elves headed out to find jobs elsewhere. Rudolph led the way with his glowing red nose.
Don’t worry. Even with the financial losses, Christmas still happened that year. Things were tighter and there were less gifts under the tree but Santa was able to make the deliveries. However, there are rumors about grumblings at the Pole about long hours, too much work and not enough pay. Also, some say security guards have been put on 24 hour duty around the Clauses because of threats on their lives. Of course, these all might just be vicious gossip.
What about Rudolph? Well, stories have come back stating that after severance and unemployment checks dried up, the little band of North Polers went their separate ways. The Elves found work in some year round Christmas Amusement Park in Orlando. The Abominable Snowman found himself and is now enjoying a new life in the South of Market area in San Francisco in the Gay Bear community. We last heard he was a bartender at a place called the Eagle. Rudolph joined some circus in Europe delighting audiences with his lighted nose coupled with acrobatic acts. He also has a part time job where he guides commercial airlines into safe landings during foggy nights.
There is also another story floating around that the group got caught up in a terrible winter storm and were lost for days in some high mountains without food. Later they were found by mountain rangers. Rudolph was never found. Rumor has it that the lost party ate him. Now children, do not tell your parents I told you that rumor. I don’t want to be blamed for any nightmares. I am sure Rudolph is fine and did not end up as a main entree on anyone’s camping trip meal.
Well, on that note, Happy Holidays!
Enjoy the Spirit of the season….might as well….most of us will be too damn broke to buy any Christmas presents!