These past few days have been so pivotal to me in terms of coming to a realization of a few things and also to finally becoming comfortable in my own skin after the end of a relationship. Again, it is that process.
The weekend was chaotic in terms of some roller coaster experiences but yet it was not life stopping. Actually, it offered impetus for change. It allowed me to live in the present, not in the future or in fantasy, but REALLY in the present.
A misunderstanding led to an argument with my ex partner but it did lead to conversation and it also led to some illumination on my part. I finally let go of the sadness of our ending.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am sure there will be moments, but those will be more nostalgic than anything else. I realized that even if the lover part of us has ceased, the deep abiding friendship and caring has not. That is truly a gift. I was reminded a few times of that post our argument and accepted it. Lots of relationships end in bitterness. With mine there is still love and friendship. I can live with that.
The other thing is that I realized that although I enjoy the many fun and wonderful parts of the gay , party scene here in the Castro. Believe me, there are lots and I have certainly partaken of most of it. Where my truth lies is truly developing an authentic life that is not trying to fit into any particular mode. Truth is, I have always marched to a different drummer. Why change now?
I have great friends. My best times with them have not been really the parties or the shenanigans ( although fun!) but it has been the times where we have been real with each other about our lives, hopes and dreams. That is when I see them truly as they are and why I love them.
I also know that if I ever find romantic love again. I believe I will. It will not be forced or built upon fantasy, but it will be built on the deep connection that carries two people through a lifetime of growing together and living this great adventure called life.
The most important thing in the meanwhile, is just being here and being fine with it. Everything else falls into place.