Again


When something is in the air it whips into your skin and you feel it move every nerve in your body.  I have been feeling it lately.  I am coming upon Halloween again and perhaps, because of last year, and the unraveling that took place in my relationship following an incident,  is why I feel so out of step today.

Last Halloween,  I was so happy hanging out with friends enjoying the festivities of the night and then in one act that I witnessed,  my whole life changed.  I am not going to belabor the point because time has passed and I have moved on in most ways. Yet, what a year it has been. How much I have learned about me.

There has been so much joy in my life this past year and some of the deepest pain.  I have acted out in ways that I thought I would never do spiraling in the hurt, losing me in so many ways.   Now I have begun to pull myself back together and it’s beginning to feel like me again.  Changed in some ways but I am here, who I truly am.

As I come back to my authentic self , I find myself wanting authenticity around me.  I find that what I have surrounded myself with is a lot of mediocrity and temporary surface layers that do not last or augment me in any way.  I am finally finding distaste in them.

What I value are the friendships I have gained this past year, the professional progress I have made in my career, my children and perhaps my own realization that what I really want is something permanent and fulfilling.

This something in the air is my growth spurts emotionally.  They bring the “aha”to my mind and the opening of my heart to my better self.  I find that tears accompany this process.  In my solitude, I let it flow as it cleanses me and lets me have the clean start I need.

I have lived long enough to know now with the experience of youth behind me that life is not a weekend imploding under the haze of drink and quick sex, but so much more …so much, much, much more.

Like someone being led to that light at the end of the tunnel, I have a let go and started running toward it.

Yes, it is that time of year, again….but I greet it with this resilience of a me that has been forged out of some fire and now is taking steps to I believe the better part of my life.

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One thought on “Again

  1. I’m new to your blog, so I don’t know what happened last yr…but it sounds like it has made you a stronger person…and really, that is what it’s all about.

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