Last night I was enjoying the company of business colleagues on the Atrium of the Hyatt Regency as we celebrated with the San Francisco Chamber of Commerce annual After Hours Christmas Mixer.  The setting was resplendent with Christmas  decor, food and drink.  It was a nice diversion from my personal life.

My business and professional life have been quite successful in terms of job satisfaction and professional advancement.  The monetary side is catching up as the economy slowly recovers.  I am fairly active in the San Francisco business community.

My personal life for the past couple of years plus has been a roller coaster and, quite frankly, full of heart ache.  My long term relationship ended .  I mean I am still roommates with my ex-partner whom I still love and deeply care about, but we differ in what our relationship should be like.  Of course, that took a while to get to that point and it was mired in a road that almost destroyed whatever attachment I had to him.   I know he wants to continue our relationship but I still cannot accept the terms.  I am considering all of it and trying to decide what to do. My heart is tortured by this as we were together 11 years.

He left this poem and video as an opening to renew our relationship.  It touched me.

Looking into his eyes-

His heart is noble and pure

With him my life is complete

Hopes, fears, dreams and smiles shared in love….

His knight in shining armor.

Love could hide but not transform

The gold heart corrupted with lead that is only for you

There is no other.

Running in circles

I live half a life

The armor rusted, beaten to the ground

I cannot love you the way you deserve

Come back and haunt me.

Don’t listen you deserve better

I have met others who I have considered seriously as dating partners .  One  told me he had a boyfriend after I already gone out with him and  been with him intimately. I dumped the liar.

The second one has really caught my attention and I am trying to figure it all out about him. It is a slow process  when it comes to things of the heart  for me.

The counseling has helped.  However,  I have felt so terribly alone in some ways.  It has been hard to share my feelings and talk it out with friends. There have been a couple.  However, I mostly feel invisible among them when it comes to deeply personal stuff.

There have been a friend or two that have reached out.  I am so glad. There have been some old friends who lived afar who have done the same.  They have provided sincere, mature, clear advice and counsel from a deeply caring center.  They have listened. But these moments are few and far between.

It has been hard to be so vulnerable. I have always been a take charge person but when it comes to things of the heart,  I find that my feelings are tender.  I know when I love, I love deeply.

Now that I am trying very hard to get beyond drowning my woes in all weekend partying,  but trying to be more authentic, the clarity of life and what I really want is so real.  Everything else seems so temporary and artificial.

This holiday season,  the greatest gifts to me , are those things of the heart.

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