Speaking Again

Years ago,  the word “Gay” closed down the communication between him and I.  Once we were close to each other.  He looked up at me and we shared a bond.

I was outed by someone else and it was done in the spirit of meanness.

I was not yet ready to talk to him.  His mother did not want me to tell him that  I was gay, because she was also afraid.  Our marriage had ended and that was hard and she felt the Gay issue would make the situation worse for him.

My silence let someone else do it.  He hated me for that and it was years before the doors started to open.

In retrospect, what made it worse, was that we did not have the tools to approach it from a more healthy perspective with him.  We ( including me) accepted the negative images and propaganda perpetuated by the right wing fundamentalists who created the kind of fears that my son built in his head.  He became confused.

I had to take the pain in my heart and push it away and think about the confusion in his own heart -which took the hero of his youth and destroyed him.   The word “Gay” was like Krypton to his Superman.

We both felt the emptiness of not having  each other in our lives all these years.  He  felt so lost that he wanted to no longer be  here in this life.   He blamed me.  He blamed “Gay”    I wanted to reach out and save him so much but I was no longer the hero but the enemy.

Well, lies and untruths never hold…but love conquers all.

This past year we met for the first time and began to talk.   That was a small break through.

Yesterday, I got an email from him stating that he wants me in his life.  I have found my son again. He has found me.  We are speaking again.

5 thoughts on “Speaking Again

  1. I couldn’t be more happy for you. This brought tears to my eyes, and a smile to my face. I know this has been a long time coming and I know how much it pained you to not have him by your side. I miss our morning coffee chats before we started our day. Discussing our lives and children. I will you two all the best, and much happiness to get to know each other again.

  2. This is such an encouraging story. I am seeing this from both perspectives: the daughter of a gay father who never told his children who he really was and instead left them to find ‘things’ they really shouldn’t have had to find – and – the secret girlfriend of a gay mother with two teenage children. I am determined that our children will not “find out” about us the way I found out about my dad. Your story gives me hope that I can move forward with both my families. Thank you and I wish you much happiness.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s