Years ago,  the word “Gay” closed down the communication between him and I.  Once we were close to each other.  He looked up at me and we shared a bond.

I was outed by someone else and it was done in the spirit of meanness.

I was not yet ready to talk to him.  His mother did not want me to tell him that  I was gay, because she was also afraid.  Our marriage had ended and that was hard and she felt the Gay issue would make the situation worse for him.

My silence let someone else do it.  He hated me for that and it was years before the doors started to open.

In retrospect, what made it worse, was that we did not have the tools to approach it from a more healthy perspective with him.  We ( including me) accepted the negative images and propaganda perpetuated by the right wing fundamentalists who created the kind of fears that my son built in his head.  He became confused.

I had to take the pain in my heart and push it away and think about the confusion in his own heart -which took the hero of his youth and destroyed him.   The word “Gay” was like Krypton to his Superman.

We both felt the emptiness of not having  each other in our lives all these years.  He  felt so lost that he wanted to no longer be  here in this life.   He blamed me.  He blamed “Gay”    I wanted to reach out and save him so much but I was no longer the hero but the enemy.

Well, lies and untruths never hold…but love conquers all.

This past year we met for the first time and began to talk.   That was a small break through.

Yesterday, I got an email from him stating that he wants me in his life.  I have found my son again. He has found me.  We are speaking again.