More To Be


The past few days have been interesting, illuminating,  and reflective for me.  What was a “staycation” became a non traditional sabbatical, very unintentional and sorely needed.

It was filled with some highs and lows but it was not filled with despair.  It was  instead filled with  discovery and resolve,  and at the end,  anticipation to move forward in a major way.

I began it mostly with the idea of a week off dedicated to relaxation, drinking, and good old debauchery.  Yes, it started out more like that, but then, as if some cosmic force from the Universe had other plans, things changed and there was a slight switch.  Well, actually, quite a major switch.

I am not sure if the stars aligned in the high drama zone but this just happened to be a week where between too much drinking and personal issues friends clashed.  This sets things off kilter a little and although these storms pass, it pushes one to different directions.  What it did to me was push me into self reflection.

I was deeply troubled this week because I have a daughter who is bi-polar who recently went off her medication.  She has a long history of suicidal attempts and there were times we almost lost her.  She also has a history of causing physical assaults on others, even her mother.

She recently gave birth this past June to a beautiful baby girl.

This daughter has been off her medication.  She was angry at her mother and started violently assaulting her. My eldest daughter called me on the phone.  I told her to call the police.  I was worried sick about my ex-wife and my granddaughter.

My daughter was not arrested but a restraining order was put on her and she was put at a women’s shelter along with my granddaughter.  There is court hearing scheduled about the assault and the status of her custody of her daughter.  She does not want anything to do with us.

My heart has been so heavy about all of this and although I have tried to manage it,  I know it has affected me.   I knew last Thursday that is why I drank as much as I did.   That is why I was not feeling good about myself.  It was this deep sadness over my daughter.

Well,  I wanted to talk about it but could not really verbalize it to anyone.   It was hard to really talk to my usual group of friends, mostly because of timing and the situation.  I was always choosing the wrong moment to bring it up.

So Friday,  I had the opportunity to spend some time with a dear friend who let me forget by just hanging out with him during a portion of the day. He operates a business so it was good to get involve in what he was doing.  He also prove to be a great distraction.

That night I was mostly alone and I met a guy who was a psychologist who was out for the night. We talked and talked.  It is amazing that this stranger actually helped me talk through things.  It did not hurt that he was cute, too.  That was such a relief.  From him, I was able to see things much clearer and felt a lot of the heaviness gone.

This was also the week that I had many friends share  some of their burdens with me.  This actually helped.  Some of these people I do  not particularly associate with regularly, but I felt so glad that they felt comfortable to come to me and talk to me.   It lifted my spirits to feel that I could some how be of help to them even if it was to just be a listening ear.

Also,  I heard from friends who I have not heard from in a long time who have moved away. This was especially something.  It was as if the Universe knew I needed them and prompted them to call me.  I was able to talk to them about what was happening and they filled the void I needed.

My ex-partner also has been especially sensitive and has , in his own way, reached out and been supportive. I believe that we have moved way ahead in how we are associating with each other since our relationship has changed.  I know that I have changed.

I was excited to spend some good time with my circle of friends here.  I did love just being around them.  I am most excited about some service projects that are in the planning stages for the future.

I also met some really cool new people during my staycation which has enriched my experience with new memories.

I have come away knowing more who I am and knowing that there is more to be.

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10 thoughts on “More To Be

  1. I truly believe that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I am so sorry to hear about the situaltion with your daughter but she is still young and will learn (sometimes the hard way) what is really important in this life. I am also very happy that you have talked about this to friends and opened up, even writing here is a wonderful medium to clear our minds, heart and thoughts. For me personally, it has opened up so many aspects and issues in my own life…and we become better people in the end. I also think that we blame ourselves for so many things that happen in life…my feeling on that is that life is a learning process, no matter what age, where we come from …we learn from every experience. I don’t blame myself anymore for things that happened, I know that if I keep on doing that, it changes who I am…and I am happy in my own skin now…took a longgggg time to be able to say this. I feel every word you said here…I send you so many blessings and love …and remember no matter what…stay as beautiful and true to yourself as you are!! Always ~ Amanda xxx

  2. Sometimes life comes at you from strange angles. But you’re a strong person. One of the things I admire most about you is your ability to grow from any experience, no matter how negative or traumatic it is. And that makes you one of the rare people in the world who will always flourish, no matter the circumstances. When I consider what you have been through, and yet are still able to write so beautifully and be there for others, it makes me feel truly honored that I can call you my friend. Take care always,
    Matt

  3. Matt,

    Your comments meant the world to me. I miss you so much and I know that your life now teaching on the other side of the world will bring you new insight and growth. I miss you. Your friendship is one of the gems of my life.

    JP

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